NC500 ADVENTURE 2022
NC 500 ADVENTURE 2022
Well, I honestly didn't think this would actually happen, but here we are! Ready to set off! We're doing the NC500 up in Scotland ... full of Scottish things like Braveheart, McEwan’s lager, hostile weather conditions, Irn Bru, Teenage Fanclub, haggis, Gregory’s Girl, Partick Thistle and Fish from Marillion.
We'll be mixing aspirational and dangerous pursuits with copious amounts of beer ... basically, we're just winging it.
Daily updates to follow, if there's a signal.
Hoots mon π΄σ §σ ’σ ³σ £σ ΄σ Ώ
NC500 DAY 1.
Our day started with loads of M6 travelling whereby we all marvelled at the incredible coincidence of multiple cars being driven at about 40mph in every lane.
Right up until Preston.
Then it started happening. Travelling with the scenery. 
Just so you all know, we are driving around in a small motorised bungalow, quite possibly the biggest van ever, a slight breeze actually makes the whole thing drag across three lanes, but, after many hours of swerving, we made it to our first checkpoint Perth.
Perth rules. Fantastic people, lovely town.
We happened upon two of the greatest pubs ever, Greyfriers Bar and Pablos. Seriously brilliant boozers.
Drawn into both establishments by the sound of acoustic-based live music, these two boozers were alive with vibes of greatness.
What subsequently occurred was me and Craig badgered them until they let us perform.
We are now two songs to the good having fathomed out a Beatles song and that Jackie Wilson classic. By the end of the week, we hope to have a 5hr set of music and tour the highest reaches of the Highlands like a lesser-bespectacled Proclaimers tribute act.
Incredibly drunk, we managed to return to our hotel.
Apparently, at 4am the fire alarm kicked in for 40 minutes? This alarm is situated right above my bed π
I slept right through it all? There are vague recollections of concerned panicking with Craig, but having curled up in a fetal position after an initial concern, I promptly returned to my dreams of beeping-soundtracked slumber.
We are now en route to find breakfast and see a castle ... oh, and there's a very important football match, but that's Day 2.
Tune in tomorrow, Facemucks
NC500 DAY 2
NC500 DAY 2
After four big plates of breakfast and rather hefty hangovers to overcome our real journey started in earnest. A drive to Applecross where our camping pod awaited our arrival, however, took a very scenic detour to catch a look and explore the 13th Century Eilean Donan Castle. A very imposing and dramatic castle made famous by the movie Highlander.
Running late and put off by the £10 ticket price to tour the inside of it, we opted to enjoy the outside. My guess is a vampire lived there a few hundred years ago ... no doubt the inside is festooned with fine rugs and tapestries, chairs made of gold and massive ten-person beds for depraved behaviour.
Talking of depraved behaviour, we now have a fully equipped bar in the back of the van. Chilled beers. So a few beers were downed to get ready for the FA Cup game. Poor Gav was the designated driver by this point, but that serves him right for supporting Manchester United. The first half of the match was enjoyed via the radio as we were way too fixated on the majestic peaks and summits of the highlands, wild deer and utterly mind-blowing offerings of visual beauty.
This place already holds us in with its natural calm.
... but, a cup final still has it's grasp on half of us, so we find our quaint accommodation, connect to the only WiFi within 1000 miles and catch the rest of the game on the iPad.
Half of us were elated with the final result, the other half way too hungry to care.
So, Monkfish, chips and a round of pints by the tranquillity of the sea, followed by a few drinks outside our sleeping pod.
The sleep deprivation of last night's fire alarm kicked in for Olly, Gav and Craig, so the lads retired to the pod while I took to write this by the fire.
A final sip of whisky and that's me done.
NC500 DAY 3.
After an amazing drive we stopped off for a visually amazing shoreline walk at Torridon. A wide variety of birdlife - swifts, eagles, herons and finches, you're literally yards away from something new to see at every turn.
Interestingly, there were the old ruins of an outdoor church whereby I gave a sermon to my excited congregation. Basically, I damned them all to Hell.
Hunger kicked in hard, but towards the end of our little hike the
Wee Whistle Stop Cafe emerged ahead like a mirage in the desert ... food and seating nestled in paradise. We sat and ate a combined mix of venison burgers, salmon and cooked breakfast with views of panoramic splendour.
Worth noting, the salad dressing was outrageously good, Gav managed to wrangle the recipe from the chef, and seeing as he's our elected Gordon Ramsay, he's 'very fucking happy' about that.
The sun is out today! ... and we didn't come to Scotland only to die from sunstroke. A likely death would be choking on haggis or getting beaten up by an alcoholic, but not sunstroke?
Very warm indeed. As the ever-optimist, I actually packed some sunscreen.
Next, a short, scenic drive over to Beinn Eighe where we scaled a colossal section of it. The steep, sheer scale of it seemed tiny in comparison to it's neighbouring mountains ... it always looks easy from the bottom, but 50 yards into the assent with our lungs burning and calves on fire, we quickly realised this was a task.
Two of us are army trained... a phrase I use at least 10 times a day. Olly lead the way. We didn't die.
After dipping our heads in a cold, cold mountain stream, invigorated, we returned to sea level to move onwards to the next adventure.
Oh yeah ... Olly's toilet habits are bonkers. He takes 4 or 5 shits a day? We've worked out that this is a Toilet Tour for him and we need to strictly adhere to his turd timetable.
Four or five shits a day. Honestly.
So, I digress ... onwards we went to Torridon and Gairloch, munching on crisps, enjoying beach walks and warm cups of tea ... honestly, this area is heavenly. Not a single moment of it doesn't conjure delight or rapture... it really is that special. 
Finally, we made it to Ullapool, a town with pubs! We set our anchor here, pitching tents, drinking cans and wholeheartedly feeling sorry for our Evertonian mate Craig... yeah they lost again.
Anyways, we set off on a pub crawl, ate heartily and, suddenly, we were all mesmerised by the floating amber moon that rose above the harbour. Apparently, we happened upon a special planetary moment...
Seriously, it was like some Pink Floyd-esque artwork animated right before us. We were very pissed, so the pictures don't tell the whole story.
Finally, back to the campsite to rehearse some acoustic songs... and, well, that's me now writing this... something else will happen I'm sure, but it's taking me ages to write this and I need whisky, and I can't drink and type.
So... well ... layterz x
Wait! ...so Olly told us about a missing 60-stone grizzly bear called Hercules in the outer Hebrides the other night... we thought it was bullshit ... but ...it actually happened ... this -
We thought he was taking the piss! πππ
So, we will find him. That massive grizzly bear. That's now our mission tomorrow. Although I think that bear would be about 70yrs old by now? ...at least a couple of us could outrun him then.
NC500 DAY 4.
Onwards and upwards, further into the land of highland jigs and shortbread tins to explore the majesty of nature and be mega-impressed by its offerings.
But first, let us tell you - There are two cyclists that we have passed every single day since before Applecross. Without fail. This is now a race to the death. Bikes vs van. Two teams with one vision. Each team takes the lead at different stages...
I believe we have already won, seeing as they are crushing their balls against a saddle every day.
As the weather started to look more foreboding and sticking to our vague plan of just winging it, our first stop was the Bone Caves. As soon as I heard that name, I had flashbacks to that scene in Bone Tomahawk (those who have seen that movie will know exactly which scene I mean)
I kept a penknife in my pocket, just in case.
The weather was incredibly blustery, and while the wild forces of nature raged around us, we braved a dangerously narrow ridge with 60mph winds pressing around us. We finally reached the caves...
Now, since before our departure, I've mentioned many times my desire to stay the night in a cave.
The lads are not keen at all.
This is disappointing, but let's be honest, after spending one night in a cave we would turn into blind cave-dwelling Gollums, the sun will then become our enemy ... mere minutes of exposure to the sun would turn our skin red before we burst like sausages in a microwave ... pretty much like a real Scottishman would.
So no staying in caves.
The Bone Caves were enthralling though, but still no sign of Hercules, the 70-stone grizzly bear?
The search continues. 
The next stop is the haunted Ardvreck Castle. Throughout its life, Ardvreck Castle was the scene of much violence, murders, executions and sieges... pretty much like your average pub in Glasgow.
A hike over to Split Rock and its beach, yet another public toilet visit for Olly and then a walk to Lochna Gainmhich which is a stunning waterfall. 
We then made the wise choice of ringing forward to secure a bed for the night. We are fatigued and require comfort.
A night's stay at Mackay's Hostel is where we're all now sat, chatting to other travellers while enjoying red wine, cheese and crackers. Lots of yawning and lounging on sofas.
Another day boosting our endorphins and feel-good hormones are ticked off. We will journey on again tomorrow. We are constantly struck by the scenery up here, pure picturesque Prozac at every twist and turn. This has to be the greatest way to reset and feel alive.
Och aye the noo π΄σ §σ ’σ ³σ £σ ΄σ Ώπ✌️
NC500 DAY 5.
The sun streaming through the curtains? Scotland, a haven of cloudless blue skies and unbroken sunshine?
Narrh... but yeah!
We all awoke to a beautiful morning. Coffee in the sunshine as the birdsong chirped around us. Another catch-up with the fellow travellers we shared the hostel with, and then we were away to continue on our adventures.
Smoo Cave, an amazing outcrop of Durness limestone with spectacular rock that is quite special to that location.
Is this another cave we could possibly stay the night in?.. dark and cold, and we may be forced to eat frogs and berries to survive.
But it's a nope again.
Thankfully.
I've gone off the idea if Im honest.
Next up is Ceannabeinne beach, equipped with a zipline! Our daredevil spirit kicked in, this is our chance to be thrillingly dangerous.
But it's a nope again.
Thankfully.
The winds were too strong π
We're starting to notice the changes in the Scottish terrain as we move across the top of Scotland. The surroundings are becoming greener, but with less woodland. Absolutely love this area, proper sought-after haven of majestic peaks and tranquillity.
We stopped on a few occasions to really take in this beguiling and powerfully stunning area.
Next on our journey is Puffin Cove, the home to the UK’s largest puffin colony. This place is one of the more undiscovered sights on the NC500 that is definitely worth a visit. What an incredible spot!
Yet again, we find ourselves in Scottish paradise with grateful hearts.
Seriously hungry by this point, we head off to Scrabster for, what we're told, is seriously good steak.
As we made ourselves comfortable at Popeyes Bar with pints, and ready ourselves for steak and chips, a very special song came on over the speakers ... Tougher Than The Rest by Bruce Springsteen. This is one of Olly and Jules' favourite songs, I also created a special arrangement of it for their wedding.
What a nice time for that to randomly crop up ❤️
The steak was scandalously good! Slightly ruined by 4 big starters, but a culinary delight! A highly recommended stop-off for grub!
*** OLLY'S INSIGHTS: He's rated the public convenience facilities made available to travellers up here very highly.
Four stars, apparently.
He's been non-stop raving about it. Blimey, that lad can shit! ***
Next! Dunnet Head, the most northerly point on the British mainland... which I thought was John O' Groats? But there ya go. We plan to go to John O' Groats tomorrow anyways, just in case we're wrong?
But yeah, Dunnet Head. We had a beer there to celebrate. There are quite interesting insights about what the area was used for during World War 2. Them bastard nazis. It was a time of struggle, a time of shortages, but Hitler died in his bunker surrounded by the ashes of his megalomaniacal dreams because of places like this.
Take that, you nazi bastards.
Then, at about 5pm we realised - where shall we stay? We are seriously winging this! We tried a random hotel we were passing ... with absolutely no cars in its car park!
No rooms they said?
Seriously, the only people in there were the bar staff, a receptionist and someone who looked like he was there to fix the toilets.
Gav, who is military-trained, kicked into efficiency mode thereafter!
Within seconds he secured us the Highland Haven on Google. This place is tucked away down some long, winding, single-track road ... right very near the tip of our mainland.
Sheer comfort cheer!
Spacious, log burner, fridges, showers, beds ... he found the perfect place! And it is all to ourselves. 
We settled in. With another big football match to watch, and copious amounts of beer, WiFi and an iPad, this started looking like a good move!
After a chat with the owner, we garnered some more info on our surroundings.
Well! With that info, we took a walk over to 'Scotland's Haven', an awesome tidal lagoon.
Yup, let's go swimming.
Dressed just in swimming shorts and anoraks, this was going to be invigorating!
A swim in a spectacular spot, all to ourselves.
But, it was actually a challenge of near-hypothermia and frostbite endurance.
Freezing cold!
When I took a pee straight afterwards ... my dick was just foreskin? Absolutely no penis was there because it had crawled back up into my abdomen. Check the video out below, you can pretty much hear the moment that happens.
Straight back for warm showers, beers, football and a good old sing-along, strum-along through some tunes with Craig singing, and me playing the guitar.
We tried 500 Miles by The Proclaimers, because ... well .. it had to happen at some point. Olly sang Mollys Chambers and Enter Sandman, plus a rather nice rendition of Johnny Cash's Hurt.
More beers. More singing.
And that is today.
Magical.
Bedtime....
There are crazy little sleeping quarters?... you literally lock yourself up in tiny bunks? That is where I'm finishing writing this.
We are all very pissed.
Gav will still be up at 6am tomorrow.
Layterz, Facemucks x
NC500 DAY 6.
The sun is out again! Both myself and Gav took advantage and took a coastal hike within our proximity while Craig and Olly slowly got themselves out of bed.
We decided to download a picture of Orcas, with similar scenery to our surrounding islands, and when we returned we gleefully told the other two we had witnessed this incredible orca sealife spectacle.
They were obviously gutted, bless em. So we came clean about it at John O' Groats by shouting to them both while they're both in the gift shop ... 'Lads! There's an Orca here!'
Both come racing out only to see me leaning on an ornamental, metal orca. Then we let them know that photo was a mere download from Google.
Much merriment and jibes ensued, and then we bought loads of crap in the gift shop.
The next step was to view Duncansby Stacks! Duncansby Head reveals nature at its most striking. From the towering peaks of the Duncansby Stacks to the stunning views of the sea beyond, this is a spot, the scenery is both natural and dramatic .. there's Game of Thrones vibes, and we half expected a dragon to dive-bomb us. 
Old Keiss Castle next, which stood impossibly on the very edge of a cliff ... rugged terrain, ferocious seas and infinite horizons. 
A drive towards Dornoch to enjoy their beach, catch sight of inquisitive seals that bob about close to the shore, then a cuppa and put our tents up instead of almost booking into Fawlty Towers. Camping leaves us less prone to ants and electrocution than that hotel, according to TripAdvisor.
Close call.
We will again face the consequences of spending an awesome night in tents while enjoying cheap beers in confidence... and likely not wake up burning in flames.
So, then, we decided to eat and get drunk in a pub while a Scottish football team played football in a European cup final.
We had no idea this game was on because there was no build-up and hype because it's a Scottish team, and they never get past the group stages, not ever, not even once.
We couldn't wait.
Lots of Scottish people wearing Scottish football team shirts.
Anyways, kick-off.... we happily supported Rangers, got excited for them and upset at their terrible defence.
... I could gather up a football team of 2yr olds, call us Haribo United, and my team would still win. Against both teams.
Rangers lost on penalties, and as soon as that happened we got off sharpish before one of us got knifed.
Back to the tents to chat about our odyssey so far ... this NC500 is an absolute jewel in the Scottish crown. All of us here fully endorse the benefits of staying active, getting outside and connecting with natural spaces. The soul-enrichment of this journey is massively positive for our health and well-being, plus, Mother Nature is free, she doesn’t charge you a penny π
FREEDOM!!! π΄σ §σ ’σ ³σ £σ ΄σ Ώππ
NC500 DAY 7.
After a cosy night in tents, a full Scottish breakfast was scoffed by all. Seriously, haggis needs to be on your breakfast plate!
Next, a quick visit to the Glenmorangie distillery! However, it was way too soon to be having a wee dram ... we gave the tour a miss, it would be the same as all the other distilleries I've visited - people sipping whisky from thimbles with religious reverence and pretentiously sniffing them. As the resident whisky drinker, I gave the lads a break on this one, especially with the fragility of their intestines today.
There were some super-expensive bottles on sale in the shop though! £30,000??? I bet that one must of had a kilt soaking in it for the last 40 years.
As we progress further down into the mainland the roads are now duel, the land more populated and the facilities more readily available.
Some people do the NC500 anticlockwise, we have done this clockwise, which I believe was a wise choice as we seemed to have outsmarted the rainy weather.
Yet another sunny day π
Next stop, Loch Ness! Will we meet Nessy? The legend of the monster draws hundreds of thousands of tourists every year hoping that an angry dinosaur will emerge from the loch and go on a bloody rampage ... I'd like to think the creature has a taste for human flesh as well.
Anyways, after a close inspection of the area we concluded - branches are washed down a river from a wood near the loch .. sightings of the fabled Loch Ness Monster are always just a log, yet everyone will think it’s a dinosaur. As always, there’s a perfectly rational explanation.
That said, as we were leaving, far in the distance we might just have seen a giant aquatic lizard emerge from the surface, moving at high speed and letting out a terrifying screech?
The mystery continues.
Talking of dangerous beasts, we still haven’t seen Hercules, the 60-stone grizzly bear? Or, in fact, the two cyclists we've been racing this week?
We have surmised the bear is now well-fed and hangs skintight lycra cycling shorts up in his cave as trophies.
Nice one Hercules π
Next up is a chance to explore Urquhart Castle. This place was swarming with old, wealthy American tourists, all pretending to have Scottish/Irish lineage. Most have likely reached back a few centuries into their ancestry to find one kilt-wearing drunken forefather. Anyways, that said, they're all probably holding up the Scottish economy while they're here, so fair play to them.
Why do Americans always call toilets bathrooms? Who wants to have a bath in the middle of the day?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, that is the NC500 completed for us!
Our next stop was Glasgow to stay over at a spa hotel for a sauna, jacuzzi and swim, followed by excessive amounts of food and beer. Hell! We might even have a manicure tomorrow morning? Then stroll about in white towels with mud on our faces.
Or just eat and head off first thing? Who knows? This is the last NC500 social media post, you'll never find out.
One thing's for sure, this stop-off in Glasgow will break our very long journey home up, give us some relaxation and get us back to our wives by lunchtime tomorrow. 
With that, our adventure comes to an end.
This expedition was drunkenly planned at some family wedding or family Christmas get-together (yes, the four of us are all related somehow) a couple of years ago. We're all so happy it actually happened. A spectacular journey that took us into remote and inspiring landscapes.
Scotland, you are awesome! As a group of English men, we had no intention of invading your resource-rich territories, however, we did plunder your plentiful whisky and beer stocks.
You can never ever get tired of visiting Scotland ❤️ A beautiful country full of beautiful people. Yes, I did take the piss out of them over the last week on here, but they absolutely love a bit of banter because they're mad, ginger, skirt-wearing bastards.
Looking back on our adventures here, we are blessed to have so many highlights, every day was filled with the new, the exciting and the enthralling.
Maybe we didn't reach out too far into the wilderness? There was no stayover in a cave or up a mountain... but let's be honest, while the wholesome idea of spending nights in desolate areas is like The Swiss Family Robinson, actually, it would be more like The Blair Witch Project.
That said, I really did want to stay in a cave.
Maybe next time, lads π
Its been a pleasure for me to document this whole crusade across the very top of our island, the memories on here will provide the four of us with a lifetime of happiness ... plus, it saved us writing a million postcards to our wives.
I speak for the four of us as I sign off with this - You don't need a passport to feel warmth and wonder, you just need an adventurous spirit.
And remember, time takes with both hands, absolutely everything disappears it. So don't hold a clock in your hand, hold a compass instead.
Wezz, Gav, Craig & Olly π€
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